Dear Diary, I fucked Up Bad this time..

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Bar Room Jokes

ARBOREAL
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

HERO
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?
A man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, and then slaps his wife on the backside and says "You're next, fatty".

MACCA CRACKER
A journalist asks Paul McCartney if he is likely to ever go down on one knee again after his recent marriage split. Paul responds Ï'd rather you referred to her as Heather".

HEARTLESS
What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.

OLE!
A traveller from Mexico needs some socks during his trip to London, but he speaks no English. So he finds a department store and walks up to a salesman.
The salesman says, "May I help?"
The traveller replies", "No hablo ingles."
The salesman says, "Oh, okay, I'll hold up things and you tell me if that's what you want."
He picks up a shirt. "No."
He holds up some pants. "No."
He holds up a tie. "No, no"
Finally, he holds up some socks. "Eso, si que es!"
"Well, if you knew how to spell it..."

NO KIDDING
Why don't Ken and Barbie have children?
Ken comes in a different box.

TEEING OFF
On a golf tour in Texas, Tiger Woods drives his Buick into a petrol station. The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Southern manner. "Howdy, partner," says the attendant, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
Tiger nods a quick "hello"and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the corecourt.
"What hte hell are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're tees,"replied Tiger.
"Huh? What on God's earth do you use those for?"inquires the Texan.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I'm driving,"says Tiger
"Holy shee-attt,"says the Yank, "Buick thinks of everything."

FLASH WITH THE CASH (FhM Msia Nov issue)
A man sees a woman in the street with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey love, would you let me bite your boobs for RM100"
"Are you mental?"she replies, and keeps walking.
"Okay, would you let me bite your tits for RM1,000"he asks again.
"Listen you, I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
The fella keeps trying, "Would you let me bite your breasts for RM10,000?"
She thinks for a while and says, "Hmmm, RM10,000 eh? That's alot of cash. Okay."
So she takes off her blouse to reveal perfect breasts. The man starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them and licking them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you going to bite them?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."

Dear Invisible Readers,
Just to let you guys/gals know this is a pathetic attempt at filling a post. Sowiez!! I got all of these stuff from my FHM mag lol. Merry Xmas to all ya'll! hoHoHO =D

[Dear Diary, I FCked Up Bad ToDay..] 1:55 AM

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